Discovering What Really Matters

Hello loyal followers, it's been a long time since I've written. In some ways, I've missed the blog but in others the break felt right.

I'm back today to share a not so great update. Over the last several weeks I have been going through one of the toughest times in my life. I've debated whether or not to share my feelings about this experience on the blog and have even opened a new page several times, written a few sentences only to delete them and close the window.

On May 9th 2015, my grandma had a stroke. While to some this might not seem monumental, to me it has turned my world upside down.

A little backstory... my parents had a very difficult time having children. They went through many miscarriages, a lot of tears and some doubt before I came along. A few months after I was born, my parents decided to have another baby (cue: Dori!) but in order to do so my mom was told she would be on bed rest for the duration of her pregnancy. Since my sister and I are only 21 months apart, that meant she had a one year old to look after while not being able to move around. Enter, my grandma. For 9 months she did everything with me. Took me to mommy and me, played with me, took me sledding for the first time (we've got video evidence to prove this and let me tell you, I was not a coordinated snow bunny in the early years), and much more. Even after Dori was born our bond remained. When I was 5 years old we moved a mile and a half from her house and nearly every day, we did something together. She was at every family dinner, every school assembly, every swim meet, lacrosse game and birthday party. She picked me up from school, we had sleepovers, she came to visiting day at camp and even to college my first few years. There is not a single life event that I can think of where my grandma has not been there. As I prepare for my biggest life event yet, my wedding, it seems unthinkable that she won't be there, at least not in the way I wanted her to be.

As I've grown from a child to a teenager to a college graduate to someone in her late 20's, my relationship with my grandma has remained constant: she's been my best friend, my rock, and frankly the only person in the world who has always known what to say to make me feel better. No matter how bad of a day I was having, what kind of fight I had gotten into with my mom or with a friend or with Josh most recently, she was always there with her sweet, singsong voice telling me it would be ok. About 3 years ago she and my grandpa sold their house in White Plains and moved to Florida full time (see the related post here) and while it was a difficult transition, even then our relationship remained. We emailed about everything from boys, to work, to diets (we were always scheming) and talked on the phone multiple times per week. I flew to Florida every several months and tried to maximize the time we had together. While somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I wouldn't have her forever, I don't think I ever really believed (or wanted to believe) that the day would come when she would be gone, or different than she had been.

About a year and a half ago my family started noticing little slips, she'd forget a birthday, be late sending a card (something she NEVER was) or get confused about the day of the week. She seemed to stop emailing and had more trouble with technology than she had the year before. She was approaching 90 so we chalked it up to old age but somewhere deep down, we knew something wasn't right. For the last year, she has had several falls and has been having more and more difficulty maintaining a cohesive conversation. She knew something was wrong and was on a quest to find out what it was. She had been going to specialist after specialist trying to figure out why her balance was off and why she "didn't feel right". Everyone in our family listened to her and tried to help her figure out what was wrong, but we didn't have all the pieces of the puzzle. What we know now is that she was probably having small TIA's, warning signs, and that some time in 2014 she had a mini stroke.

Now, as I sit here on June 16th 2015, one month and 6 days after hearing my sister say "Grandma had a stroke" I can honestly say I'm beside myself. I'm living a new reality. A reality in which my grandma cannot walk and cannot talk. I've been down to visit twice and while she's definitely still in there; the happy, bossy, caring, knows how to do everything better than anyone, grandma I remember, is gone. The therapists tell us that in time we will see more and more come back, but it's hard to see and honestly, hard to believe. We have to stay positive for her, which we do, but every morning, I wake up sad. Every morning I'm reminded of the reality and every morning I wish I could close my eyes and make it go away. The hardest thing has been the suddenness and finality of it all. The last time we spoke, she was normal. She was talking and asking questions. We were planning for my wedding and looking to the future. And then in an instant, that was taken from me. In the aftermath I find myself asking the same questions over and over again. Why her? Why us? Why now? I know it's a normal reaction and while everyone has told me this is life, this is natural, these things happen, I can't help but blame myself. What more could I have done, why didn't I see it, why didn't I save her? I don't think I'll ever get the answers to those questions.

The *good* news is that my grandma is now home, after 10 days in the hospital and 3 weeks in rehab she is back in her own familiar environment with her husband of 68 years. She seems to be making small amounts of progress, although it feels a bit like two steps forward, one step back.  She doesn't want to eat and is extremely sad. While I wish she would perk up and decide to fight, can I blame her? I'm extremely sad too. Not a day has gone by since May 10th that I haven't cried, broke down at work, on the subway, at the grocery store, on the phone (totally appropriate places) and felt utterly broken.

This is the first time in my life I've had to go through a loss like this and it's taught me a lot. It's made me empathetic for others in similar situations and it's made me realize how precious life is. It's made me re-evaluate my priorities and re-align my goals. The perfect shoes and that pre-wedding diet I was so focused on are now of no significance. It's been interesting to see how different people have reacted to my new reality. How some friends have rallied around me, making me feel loved and like no matter what I have a shoulder to lean on, while others have been absent, or unable to understand how real and deep my sadness goes. It's been amazing how my family has become closer than ever and how for the first time, we are all able to see just how much my grandma has given each of us.

While I wouldn't wish this kind of thing on anyone, I am grateful for the perspective.

I love you, Grandma. I hope that one day soon we'll be dancing at my wedding.

                                

Read More

The Future Mrs....

WOW! It's been a while. It's not that I don't think of my blog often, or even write posts and leave them in draft purgatory, it's just that life lately has been more go-go-go than write-write-write.

It's not for a lack of excitement or inspiration, there have certainly been exciting and inspirational things happening (a promotion, weddings, getting engaged COUGH) but all that aside, the time hasn't felt right to sit down and write...pun definitely intended.

As we dive headfirst into the wedding planning process, I couldn't think of a better time to share an update: our engagement story! 

As many of you know, Josh & I met at Ogilvy just over two years ago and started a typical New York style romance. A little emailing, a little dating, a lotta uncertainty. For those who'd like a refresher feel free to take a peek at posts 1 and 2 which give a pretty comprehensive look into our fairytale romance. All joking aside, over the past two years Josh and I have grown as a couple and I couldn't feel more ready to take the big leap into marriage with him.

Before we walk down the aisle, let's take a trip down memory lane and find out how I became the future Mrs Leavitt...

On July 31st 2014 we boarded a plane to Norfolk Virginia embarking on a nearly 2 week long vacation with our families (yes, both of them) to the Outer Banks. We had with us, in addition to our clothes, bathing suits, toiletries, sunscreen, hats, power chords, books and e-readers- cards & presents for a big "August birthday blowout" set to take place that Saturday (remember that for later).

Upon landing, Josh's dad and his friend Larry picked us up and away we went (right after a quick stop at Burger King for dinner, hey it's vacation!). Since it was late I pretty quickly stretched out on the back seat and lay my head in Josh's lap in preparation for the hour + drive to the house. A few minutes into my nap I felt something sharp and uncomfortable beneath my head (don't get any ideas people). Thinking it was Josh's belt, I went to move the buckle aside... 

HEY! he said, what are you doing?
Um, moving your belt? It's hurting my head.
I'll do it, he replied.
Ok, weirdo.

With the belt buckle gone, I closed my eyes & woke up as we were pulling into the driveway.

The next few days passed without incident. Unless you consider 5 straight days of torrential rain on your beach vacation an incident (which I obviously did). On the 5th day, Saturday, the rain continued & party preparations were well underway. 

Once everyone arrived, we gathered to give toasts and gifts to the party honorees- those with late summer/august birthdays (please note: this "everyone" includes 30 of Josh's immediate and extended family all of whom own or rent houses on the same strip of beach in Nags Head plus me, my parents and my sister). After a few toasts (and roasts) it was time for me to give Emily (Josh's sister) her gift. The unwrapping went as unwrapping usually does and then we were told to show the gift to grandma Betty (seated behind us). To be honest, this seemed odd to me, why couldn't grandma Betty see the gift later? It wasn't exactly a groundbreaking gift, but hey- what do I know.

When we turned around, we found much more than an excited grandma... there was Josh, down on one knee with a huge smile across his face, holding out a ring box. I have absolutely no idea what he said, nor do I recall saying yes (I was told I said "of course" before falling into a ball of tears). After a few minutes and a lot of cheers, Josh whispered to me: so are you going to put the ring on?! 

As the party unfolded, I was told that the whole thing was ruse and had been crafted to throw me off (because let's face it, I'm not easy to surprise).  While I can't say I didn't have some suspicions- I couldn't have imagined a better way to kickstart our married life together.

And for all those who are wondering, that "sharp object" I mentioned earlier was in fact the ring, hiding safely in Josh's wallet for the trip, and not an ordinary belt buckle.

Xoxo,
The Future Mrs..

Read More

Drumroll please...

Friends! It's such an exciting day.

First of all, the weather has turned from that bone chilling "make me tea-turn on the space heater-all I want is mac & cheese" cold, to the "ditch your coat-let your hair frizz-wear FLATS-change your comforter" warmth that can only mean one thing...Spring! Who wouldn't be excited about that?

Now in true New York fashion I'm sure just the writing of this post will be the impetus to a noreaster which will dump 6-10 inches of snow on the area causing all news outlets to declare it "the coldest pesach yet" but for now, i'm reveling in it.

Ok, back to the real reason of this post: cupcakes. Delicious, perfectly frosted, individually portioned, can't get enough of them cupcakes. As promised, I've been dashing around town trying cupcakes (it's been terrible) and have my first score card to share with you today.

This score card is from one of my favorite bakeries, Amy's Bread. For anyone who knows me, you know it's where I've gotten my birthday cake for the last 3 years, and where I will continue to get my birthday cake for the foreseeable future. Their cupcakes are a staple at in-office birthday parties and while great, they sadly don't hold a candle to their cakes.

The overall verdict? The contrast between the dark chocolate cake and sweet vanilla frosting is a good one. The cupcake was beautifully decorated and the ratio of icing to cake was great. On the flip side, the cake was a bit dense and the icing overly sweet (which for me to say, takes a lot!). I'd recommend trying these cupcakes if you're in the area but they aren't worth a special trip!

Read More

The Search For the Perfect Cupcake

I know it's been a while since I've posted (forgive me) but I'm so excited to tell you about, and launch, my new project.

All over the blogosphere you'll see people reviewing food, fashion, restaurants, neighborhoods- the works. One blogger whom I follow pretty regularly, Erica's Sweet Tooth, has been doing a bakery tour of the 5 boroughs where she visits all sorts of bake shops and samples everything they have to offer ranging from cookies, cake, bread, rice krispie treats and even cronuts. Her posts are wonderful and they've inspired me to hit the streets.

While I'm a big fan of everything dessert, my weakness is cupcakes (duh). This morning on my way to work I gazed longingly at rows of perfectly arranged cupcakes in some of my neighborhood's bakeries. And just like that, it hit me! I needed to try all of these cupcakes, figure out which was "best" and more importantly I definitely needed to share my findings with you. Voila! The Search For the Perfect Cupcake was born.

This isn't a revolutionary project, nor is it likely the first one of it's kind, but as a lover of icing, cake and the perfect balance, I knew I had to take this on.

I'll be starting this week and will be visiting the following bakeries over the course of the next several months. I'll test one cupcake every other week (gotta be mindful of the waistline) and will post its score for all to see. At the end of my travels, I'll decide on a winner and will hopefully inspire everyone to try some cupcakes along the way.

Bakeries to be visited

• Donna Bell's Bake Shop
• Amy's Bread
• Sprinkles Cupcakes
• Billy's Bakery
• Two Little Red Hens
• Buttercup Bake Shop

You may notice that two well known NYC cupcake shops are missing from my list: Magnolia Bakery & Crumbs. The reason behind this omission is that I've already tried both of these and don't think they are anything special.

Magnolia is probably my least favorite cupcake in NYC. The cake is dry and the frosting is overly sweet- and that's saying a lot from a self proclaimed sugar addict. Crumbs is a different story. I'm actually a fan of their cupcakes and think their specialty flavors really set them apart. However, their size is just a turn off for me. They are so big that it's almost impossible for me to even buy one without feeling guilty, and their large scale distribution makes it feel more corporate than cozy. 

The Score Card

I will assess these cupcakes on a set of serious qualities. 

• Cake- this is obviously a key component in the perfect cupcake. I like the cake to be moist but still have a nice crumb. Anything too dry completely ruins a cupcake for me and too dense, I get overwhelmed quickly. I'm like the princess and the pea and I make no apologies.
• Icing- I think we all know my dedication to icing. In my opinion, the more the merrier. But it has to be more of the right kind. Too many times I have delved into a slice of cake, or a cupcake, only to be met with fake buttercream (the kind that leaves a waxy coating along the roof of your mouth) or GASP whipped topping. Real butter is the only way to go, and lots of it.
• Icing Ratio- There's nothing worse than getting to the fifth bite of your cupcake and realizing all that awaits is a tower of cake, just as there's nothing worse than being left with a blob of icing. I tend to lean towards the latter, but the perfect cupcake leaves nothing to be desired. Perfection is a cloud of icing piped high atop the cake.
• Taste- this is an obvious one. Do they leave you wanting more? Make you want to lick the paper? Or do they make you shrug and reach for a glass of water. I'm looking for the former. We don't eat cupcakes for their health benefits.
• Presentation- while this may seem like a no-brainer, the way a cupcake looks is not always spot-on. Sometimes the frosting is too thin, or sloppy, or the cake is lopsided or even burnt (major no-no). Sometimes the cute decorations are not edible, say what? and other times they look so divine you can't wait to dive in. The perfect cupcake will dazzle my eye and make me want to jump the line.

Let the games begin!

Read More

Halloween and Homemade Candy

I know it's been a while. I've been slacking on my posting but sometimes I just don't have anything to say, or I do and then I don't have time. Between work and travel, family and friends, and a minor self-induced health panic life has been mildly bananas the last few weeks.

It's no secret that Fall is one of my favorite seasons, and Halloween plays a big role. The fun-filled holiday always creeps up on me and reminds me of days dressed in homemade costumes as an M&M, Hershey Kiss, or box of Corn Flakes- see a theme? Clearly I was obsessed with dressing up as giant versions of food. Normal.

This year, when planning a costume, Josh shockingly agreed to get on board. Last year I tried to have him wear a giant money sign and was met with what I'll kindly down play for the sake of this blog as resistance. So, in planning this year, I knew it had to be something easy and something we could make from our own closets. As any costume planning process goes, we had a few plans before we landed on the winner. First we were going to go as robbers and have Josh's nephew dress up as a bag of money. Next, once our bag of money declined to be a bag of money, we decided to build our costumes around his (a dalmatian)  with me going as cruella deville and josh as a dognapper. Well, the trick with kids is that they grow and as our luck would have it, our dalmatian grew out of his dalmatian costume and decided to be an elephant. But since our wigs and masks were already purchased- cruella and a dog napper we shall be, minus one adorable dog.

Our costumes came out really well and everyone seemed to dig my red lips and black & white 'do.

And here's a few of our elephant, because let's face it, he's the cutest and I'm a ridicuously biased pseudo-aunt.

                         

Now, onto the candy...

In preparation for our night of trick or treating, I tackled a baking feat that I've been staring up at for a while: homemade candy. I've always wanted to try it but have been mildly afraid of melted chocolate, molds and failure. With the perfect excuse, I took the plunge. Since my favorite candy combination is chocolate and peanut butter, I opted for homemade peanut butter cups.

It took two attempts to get them just right but the final product was out of this world. If anyone is thinking about trying them I highly encourage it. I've included some tips I learned along the way and hopefully, armed with this guide- you won't need two attempts to get them right.

Sari's Homemade Peanut Butter Cup's

Ingredients
1/2 cup JIF peanut butter (do not use the natural kind, this was discovered in attempt 1)
1/2 cup powdered sugar (or more to taste)
1/3 cup light brown sugar
2 tbsp butter (very soft but not melted)
1 tsp salt
12 ounces (or 1 bag) milk chocolate (I used semisweet the first time around and they just didn't have the real peanut butter cup taste)

Directions
Line a muffin tin with cupcake liners. I used a standard muffin tin but a mini muffin tin would work as well. This recipe yielded 12 full size cups.

In a microwave safe bowl melt half of your chocolate (half a bag or 6 ounces). I melted mine in the microwave and put the chocolate in for 30 second increments, stirring after each 30 seconds. It took me 3 rounds to get the chocolate fully melted.

Spoon about 2 teaspoons of chocolate into each cup and using the back of a spoon or a paint brush, spread the chocolate up the sides of the paper liner. I used my finger because it gave me the best control and allowed me to ensure the chocolate was even. You want a thin layer of chocolate but not so thin that it will break. The idea is to create the base for which the peanut butter filling will sit so the chocolate should be about midway up the sides of the cups. Once all of your cups are filled, place the tray in the freezer to set.

While your chocolate sets, make the peanut butter filling. Combine the peanut butter, powdered sugar, brown sugar, and butter in a small bowl. With the paddle of an electric mixer, mix well until incorporated. Add salt and mix again.

Check on your chocolate (mine was hardened in about 5 minutes) once ready, remove from the refrigerator and fill with peanut butter filling. I found the most effective way of doing this was to make little balls of peanut butter filling and flatten them out with my hand. Then i placed them inside the chocolate cups. Once all cups are filled with peanut butter, melt the remainder of your chocolate the same way you did last time.

Fill each cup with 1-2 teaspoons of chocolate ensuring that you smooth the chocolate out so that it fills the space between the side of the cup and the peanut butter filling (you want to create a chocolate seal so you get that authentic peanut butter cup). Once all of the cups have a chocolate top, place back in the fridge for about 30-40 minutes and voila!

I didn't get the chance to snap a photo and in truth I didn't even get to eat one, that's how popular they were but this is what they looked like (picture from pinterest). I'll definitely be trying these again in the near future!

Read More

Fall Flavors...Chili!

Josh and I are on a big money saving kick. I know, I know- NYC living and money saving- an oxymoron.  While we're not packing our things and leaving the big city just yet, we've been trying to pinch pennies wherever possible in an effort to grow our little nest egg (insert aww here).

One easy place we identified big savings was: lunch. Both working at Ogilvy, we easily racked up big (and unnecessary) lunch bills. At $8-$10 a day the Ogilvy slopateria just wasn't cutting it. Lunch was not only expensive, but we didn't even enjoy what we were eating- hello, that's the whole point of eating! So a few weeks ago we decided to try cooking on Sundays, and packing lunch for the week. The first weeks have been great, and I even got us matching lunch boxes (double aww).

Now that we're packing lunch we try to think of cost effective recipes that will travel well and also make a decent number of servings. Yesterday, we were craving something epically Fall, and decided to try our hand at chili. I don't have a chili recipe in my arsenal so I called my mom. She always makes a big batch around the Super Bowl, and there is never enough to go around. I substituted beef for turkey and halved the recipe (which my mom had already halved before giving me the measurements so in essence, I quartered it!) and ingredient list in hand we headed for Trader Joes. $29 later, were headed home; $29 for canned tomatoes, tomato paste, 2 packages of turkey meat, chicken sausage, parsley, scallions, olives and kidney beans...Trader Joes for the WIN.

At first we were skeptical about how much chili our quartered recipe would yield, but about an hour later, we were skeptics no more!  For our $29 investment we will likely get around 10-11 lunches, do the math folks that amounts to less than $3 a pop.

If you're looking for a chili recipe for your football crowd, roommate, boyfriend, family or just you-yourself-and-I, give this one a whirl, I highly recommend it! It's hearty, spicy and full of my favorite thing- OLIVES. Next time I would add less chili powder (I went a bit overboard) and would try it with real beef, but for our first time, I think we did great! Try it out and let me know what you think, I'm interested to hear your thoughts!

Indredients (I halved this recipe)
1 tbsp olive oil.
1 bunch scallions
1 pound sausage removed from casing (I used chicken sausage)
4 pounds ground chuck (I used turkey meat)
1 12ounce can tomato paste (I used 1 6 ounce can)
1.5 tbsp garlic
1 tbsp ground pepper
2 ounce cumin
1 ounce chili powder (do this to taste, mine was a bit heavy handed)
1 tbsp oregano
1 tbsp basil
1 tbsp salt
1/4 cup dijon mustard (I didn't half this)
1/4 cup burgundy, or any dry red wine (I didn't half this)
1/8 cup lemon juice
3 cans plum tomatoes (28 ounce cans)
2 15 ounce cans of dark red kidney beans
2 12 ounce cans pitted large black olives
1/4 cup parsley

Instructions

In a large pot, heat olive oil and saute scallions until soft. Add sausage and ground chuck and cook until browned. Spoon off any excess fat/oil and discard. Once the meat is browned, add tomato paste, garlic, pepper, cumin, chili powder, oregano, basil and salt. Stir until combined. Add in tomatoes, dijon mustard, burgundy, lemon juice, kidney beans and parsley.  Stir well and simmer, covered for 15 minutes. Stir, add black olives, let simmer for another 5 minutes.

Enjoy!

PS. This turkey version comes in under 220 calories per serving and is packed with protein and fiber!

Read More

Gates A to E and Everything in Between

What's it like to be in multiple airports a week? Let me tell you.

It looks a little bit like the beginning of Home Alone when the whole family runs through the terminal to the theme song "runna runna ruda". When you finally sit down, you have that nagging feeling that you forgot something; And while I've yet to forget something as monumental as my son...I've definitely left little bits of sanity along my way.

This week I was in: JFK, Charlotte, Charlottesville and LGA airports all within a span of 24 hours or less. I became an expert at sleeping sitting up, walking on conveyor belts, eating CIBO express and packing and unpacking a bag in under 10 minutes. Rental car agents looked at me like I was insane (mishearing their questions, handing them my AAA card instead of my credit card- nope that won't work, and leaning slightly to one side as a result of permanent laptop heavage). I touched down in New York yesterday afternoon, have a few days at home and then I'm back on the road.

While life is a pint sized version of MADNESS, this past trip brought me to my all time favorite collegetown- UVA. While I had less than a day to explore I made my way around and managed to enjoy a stay at the Boars Head Inn, dinner at the downtown mall, coffee on the corner, and breakfast at hidden gem Cafe Cubano. I saw family, Josh's family, students and a former intern. It was a jam packed day but one that reminded me of my major #collegecrush on the orange and blue alma matter. Charlottesville- i'll be back.

Read More